Just bought your first nigger? New to nigger ownership? Not sure what to feed your nigger, how to cage your nigger, nor how often to bullwhip your nigger? Then YOU'RE IN LUCK, because the answers to these questions and many more can be found in the one and only...
Drafted by: the_niggest
Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled properly, your nigger will give years of valuable, if reluctant, service.
INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER. You should install your nigger differently according to whether you have purchased the field or house model. Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately on unpacking it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape.
At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton, Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's head, by the way.
CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER. Owing to a design error, your nigger comes equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say anyway.
Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours, mine, and that of white women, not the nigger's). This is strongly recommended, and frankly it's a mystery why this is not done on the boat.
HOUSING YOUR NIGGER. Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage can accommodate two hundred niggers.
You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in Africa, so it will stay put.
Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
FEEDING YOUR NIGGER. Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and waddymelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc.
Experienced nigger owners sometimes push waddymelon slices through the bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day. Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free waddymelon for his niggers as a result.
You should *never* allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no idea.
MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK. Niggers are very, very averse to work of any kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature is, after all, its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way.
The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow. Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight.
Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until around 10pm or whenever the light fades.
DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS. Niggers
die on average at around 40, which some might say is 40 years too late, but
there you go. Most people prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours
dies, report the license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting
of your nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for
MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.
Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are we, short of niggers or something?
MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN, BUT NEVER
They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely. If niggers successfully overthrew their owners they'd have to sort out their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent (until some fool gave them rights).
MY NIGGER KEEPS BLEATING ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND
Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE
CORRECT SHADE FOR A NIGGER?
A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".
MY NIGGER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS
What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd.
WOW! IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE OR
They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.
MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD.
And you were expecting what?
MY NIGGER DISPLAYS A MASSIVE SENSE OF
This is normal.
SHOULD I ALLOW MY NIGGER TO FORNICATE WITH OTHER
Where are we, Wonderland? You'll have a lot of trouble getting it to fornicate with *other* niggers.
SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger storage"? That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.
WHERE CAN I BUY MYSELF A BETTER QUALITY OF
I don't really understand the question ("better quality of nigger" ..? WTF?) but niggers are always available for sale on alt.flame.niggers.
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This was originally written in 1995 for Niggermania and is an original copyrighted creation.
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